The rum’s stronger and it’s later than I thought
May 4, 2008
I’ll be leaving soon, and all I think about is how AQ will be spending the summer: fucking her. It keeps running through my head, like a nightmare on repeat, so I focus on these elaborate fantasies I’ve constructed in which he comes out to visit me, or we spend the whole summer on the phone with one another or, my favorite, the first day back he takes me aside, tells me I’m so much more beautiful than he remembered and that he broke up with her and wants me. And I’m just deluding myself, thinking this has an actual shot, that circumstances will change and everything will fall into place. I need to stop, because that’s not going to happen and by obsessing about best-case scenarios I’m just indulging my romantic side and prolonging the pain.
It’s like I’m a yo-yo with him – one night he cares, the next it’s like nothing happened. And what bothers me the most is that I’m petrified he’s eventually going to decide that playing yo-yo is boring and put me down for good.
